thotnewt:

au where hermann becomes a stand up comedian bc he literally is . john mulaney

-he’s rlly successfull n everyone loves him (ofc)

-“are jager pilots nice ?? everyone asks me that? NO!! they’re not . they have a different definition of nice. if u could be treated like a hero everyday you wouldn’t be nice either”

-“jews r the worst jews ruin ur life jews take over ur life’ listen mother fucker my husband is jewish and i know that alrdy how did U KNOW THAT”

-“my husband is a bitch and i like him SO MUCH he’s a five foot seven (barely) jewish bitch and he’s the best”

-“i’m about to go down on some rocking twink and i think, wait what would Leonard Bernstein do?”

-“get away from my husband! no one talk to my husband! i didn’t kill my husband!”

-“everyone assumes i’m gay from the way i’ve walked and talked for 38 years. they’re right.”

“when i was a kid i was still gay but i was like a 67 year old gay man who was kinda over it sexually. i just wanted to sit here and feed my birds… i haven’t changed much.”

-“i paid $216,000 to get my phds in college and for someone to tell me i was good at math. then i got a job in k science and got made fun of for 10 years by a SMALL BITCH OF A MAN. i paid $216,000 to get made fun of by a bitch. $216,000 to get made fun of. $216,000!!!! FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE FUN OF MY GRAMPA PANTS!”

-“one time me and newton were in the lab and he told me we should get a painting done of the last supper and replace all of the people with kaijus.”

-in the end credits of the show he puts “thank you to my husband, newton, who makes everything better”